My name is Bob and I was at LaSalle school in 1980 and they helped me destroy my life. Now I continue to write to all the press and catholic agencies about their process and I'm angry. But I also have to keep pushing for answers. To all the fine people in life who believe that all the clergy abuse is about them in some way, including every professional person and lay person. Clergy themselves who decided on bankruptcy or another maneuver and act like all the rest of the world and forget their missions in life to be kind to your neighbors. It’s time for every one to wake up and see that you're all a part of the problem and because the victims and survivors don’t really have a big platform to voice these messages and loss of hope.

It’s time to stop being so obsessed with their greedy ways to step aside and help the actual people whose lives were ruined. Destroyed, and how many others will it take who were also affected by this horrible abuse and see that the problem needs to be fixed, by the ones who still suffer daily and that will begin the healing process and get the ones still in denial to stop dying a miserable death. That, and only that, will stop the future of abuse in all forms. So this isn’t a political thing or a lawyer thing or even a bankruptcy thing any longer, so get the FUCK out of the way and let’s start the healing process today. Just please remember when you think you're fixing any of this, you're probably part of the problem because not much has changed in many many years. Your life has been affected and you don't realize it.

May I ask one simple question? It is a great idea that everyone is working on protecting our children from future abuse. And of course that’s great and the future is looking more positive than ever. But what about us older victims that were promised to come and tell our stories and we would receive some help from our abusers. Now the idea didn’t seem to even sit well with me in the beginning. How ever most of us lived in misery and horror for most of our lives not telling a single person. For me 40 years and I had to come to within a day of my life and hurt my beautiful daughter before I would finally tell my story.

We believe that no one would ever believe us and if they did what would they do anyway. You see if they would protect these awful selfish people for all these years and not do one thing to them what would change if we were to step forward. You see, no matter what ever happens in this world we have seen time after time the Catholic Church has more power and people in the country and world that they can pay off to keep there secret from making them take real accountability for these horrible acts. The unbelievable evil acts of sexual abuse and actual rape that they have done, So open and almost like they had a right to do it without fear of any consequences to so many thousands of lives over the years. What kind of of person does this to a young kid at an age they believe this person was a great person of the church, and how could we believe that that would take our innocence, after we were told by our parents and all others they were the people who would lead us to God and a better life If we were to believe how great they were. So that is why this act of abuse is so much more unacceptable and unbelievable than most any other kinds of sexual abuse.

Now, as in my case, as I say I was told to never tell a soul ever in my life or the consequences would be quite severe and no one would believe us anyway and my life would be destroyed as well and my families lives. So now after self destructing my whole life for all those years who in there right mind would ever tell anyone about the horrors that we faced all those years. I decided as I got older that I would just die off soon anyway, and believe me I tried to make sure I didn’t wake up many times by talking lots of pills and lots of alcohol but I never successfully got to do the job. There’s one thing that still lives inside many of us. We made it through a war in our minds and all those years and protected a secret because we cared about our loved ones so much we decided to protect them from the truth so as not to hurt them as much as we were hurt and that’s why so many of us just self destructed later in life and lost everything we ever had as well as the very ones we thought we were protecting.

And most of us did not just commit suicide only just not too hurt them. We certainly had the suicidal thoughts but fought them off for all those years and found away to just live with it all those years. This was not an easy task for many and I’m quite very sure many more than we will ever know gave into the pain of there abuse and did follow through with the thoughts because when your brain tells you over and over for 5 to 40 plus years that the only possible answer is to simply die and all the problems of the past would be over finally. That’s the biggest problem of this particular kind of sexual abuse and never sharing it with another person is the only answer is the one we tell ourselves so it begins to make perfect sense to us and it becomes to be the only possibility of making that pain stop.

It’s of course the worst possible answer and when we are unburdened one day by being convinced to tell someone why we did what we had done to ourselves we could see it wasn’t our fault at all. Now this is where the real anger comes in because we now see it was the person who did this awful selfish act and now we’re so pissed off that we spent all those years in a prison In our brain and all what we had to lose to protect that secret from hurting our friends and family did not ever have to happen, we could have just told about our abuse after it happened and received the help we should have gotten way backAs a kid and maybe we could have had a better shot a life, filled with hope and maybe we would not have lived in that prison in our minds and been able to live our dreams as we all have great dreams as young kids.

I was able to be a good as a father as I could imagine for many years before my brain self destructed and for me it’s was the greatest joy of my life. I never loved myself enough to take care of myself but I knew one thing when my daughter was born and the reason I stayed alive all those years. The Answer was simple my brain told me the minute she was born that no one person would ever do to her whey was done to me. And I would protect her every single day of her life from that would bring a pain in her life that she would have to spend her life in the same kind of pain i had for all those years. See that’s is the only thing in my life that spared me from just giving into that suicidal thoughts and they became so natural as getting up each day.

So the last 5 years of my self destruction of my life i was doing to that beautiful girl exactly what I promised myself to never let happen and I didn’t even know that I see doing it. I had become the monster inside that hurt her from my own selfishness, as I had to lose everything and completely unravel right in front of her. I went from owning a business to actual homelessness in a couple years. And of course now I know that kids love there parents so much when this happens there is so much pain for them too. And there can be self blame and all kinds of other thoughts about how did this happen. They may even take on the responsibility of watching The unraveling of the person in there life that they looked up too since the day they were born or remember. This was one time also their life-line and would never ever believe that the person could or would think of hurting them. 

So now maybe you can see how it goes around in a vicious circle and how it effects so many more than just the order victims and how this can spread to years of trauma for that very same family and friends that we were truly tryin to protect every single day of the rest of what ever kind of life some of us are able to put together. Thank God for my one day being able to stop listening to my own thoughts and be able to have a day of clarity and be able to finally tell my secret and stop being so selfish, and self centered I was thinking all those years I was doing the right thing but I wasn’t I was only protecting one thing all my life that was a predator and am awful selfish and evil person and didn’t know it.

Until I spent the last night of what I believed would be my last night. As I got the idea that now my daughter was a grown lady and had been given all the possible protection and love that I could possibly muster up all those years. Finally it was my day to get what I always wanted and that was to DIE. Now i just had to find the way out and make it look like an accident. So of course I had years of experience in my brain how to do it without hurting her or the rest of my family. 40 years of my mind telling me it was the right thing to do. And I finally get one thing back for myself. I actually made myself believe I deserved that day for my life long work of keeping that secret. And the pain could now be over. At some points of that day I would be happy and then very sad and cry half the day and be happy I would no longer have those miserable painful days I had all those years. 

So I made the plan, and it seemed easy enough as I had already had 2 heart attacks and had lots of medications and i had also had some relapses Over the last 6 years from alcohol addiction that I fought my whole life too. So I got a bottle of booze and began to drink it and took handfuls of pills. I can only remember how much I would miss that little girl as the alcohol was hitting me faster than ever. I had no idea to turn back at all as sad as I was at that moment before I blackout I still believed in my mind it was the right thing to do and get the piece of mind I worked so very very hard for. So that’s the last thing to this day I remember.

So as I have said a few times we us victims/ survivors have one thing in common we are among people with a selflessness To us that we are willing r to live for years of pain and misery for others we love so very much and with out any thoughts about it. Because even though we didn’t love ourselves we did find something to live for. And if you ask me now I will tell you. That you may never get a chance in your life to ever meet such people with the biggest heart ever. Not many people even have a clue when they talk to the victims/ survivor that they are talking to men and women who gave there whole life to others without one single thought of themselves. And of course now we know it was wrong to live that kind of life we certainly had no idea at the time and truly believed we were doing the absolute right thing. So you tell me if you are SELFLESS, that you could give your entire life to others with out even thinking twice.

I do not have a clue what the answer it to that question. But I can tell you if your in the presence of a person who was willing to do such a kind act and your truly think your talking to some one who needs pity or to think there weak and will never accomplish great things, because we probably spent all our money and had addiction to what ever it was to keep there brains away from the actual act, of what will stop the pains in our brain that tell us we should give into the suicidal thoughts of who knows how many years so you don’t have to feel that pain. I can tell you. You're in the presence of true greatness. This person can show you some amazing abilities of what is true love and kindness. Not the opposite and not need pity only some true understanding and some forgiveness that all we want or need just to be understood and not be looked down on ever again. And then we will be able to live the last years left with a little dignity and learn to love ourselves Just a little bit more each day. Because we already lived our death over and over for many years. No one can ever do to us what we did for to ourselves trust me it’s impossible to think otherwise.

So In my case I was spared jut one more day because of a blackout and must have been i was feeling so guilty that I was not going to Wake up out of that one. That I sent a text message to my daughter to say goodbye and of course she spent a whole night looking for me and thought for sure I was dead because I never answered until I some how woke up. I was amazed I woke up and when I saw it what I had done That would be the last time I would ever think such a horrific thought again because when I saw what pain I caused her I could only cry for a day and finally realized that I was doing what had been done to me and that pain was irreparable because it was over and permanent now I have a chance to show how much i love myself and then I can learn to really love others the same way as the rest of you people. So now I can tell you that when we also decided to come forward and tell our secret that destroyed us we don’t need a idiot asking more questions that were able to handle or any one person rather professionally or otherwise acting like they may not believe us.

I don’t actually think some one could make up the kinds of stories we have. Why not just listen and Have some compassion and kindness just let the person talk while they have the courage to do so because it may never Happen again the person may Just go back to the same place they felt comfortable all those years. And may never be able to talk about it Again and those suicidal Thoughts will come back stronger than ever and the mind will tell us this time we were right all those years and now it’s sure time to just do it and I truly believe so many thousands of people have lived that and had it all play out and they are no longer with us today. And those people could Have saved so many more lives than any other person with 25 degrees of a doctors and social workers ever could imagine just by being able to tell our stories and not have the condescending attitudes of others who think they're better than us will ever accomplish. As I have said over and over the recovering person who makes it through the hard part of wanting to live will show you greatness you will never be able to to believe. That is a promise That I can guarantee to anyone rich or poor professional or otherwise. 

So the closure of a tiny bit of my story I’ll take my case and situation and others could be different. My story involves a priest in Albany, New York. And as I go through my recovery process it is obviously a big part of my story and I did have Also Have to learn how to forgive and realize that not all priest and clergy are bad people doing bad acts to every kid in church I had to see there are good and bad in every single Walks of Life. There are sexual predators in every single profession there is not just the church but for a long time I believed differently. I do struggle with the fact that it something feels that the church tells us to come forward and tell our stories and we see the adds all over now that we will get help from our past horror years and it’s now ok to tell our stories. And like In my case I described a self destructive way towards them as I thought was the end of my life and made sure there was no turning back so I became homeless and hungry and I got even After a year of investigations of my story and telling people I never met in my life my story because it needed to come out.

And being told afterwards that they all believed me I started feeling better about myself. I would even get a chance to have a zoom meeting with our bishop and he gave me a real sincere apology that we definitely need for our recovery and we are told that to help us along the way, that we will be helped by a little financial help to maybe keep a place to live and get the help we need to keep recovering. That part is become very painful now. First of all not the money as the every one makes It look now. Most of us don’t want a lot of Money just some security and help putting back together all we lost at the end of it all. Because money will never be able to take away one bit of pain. I like many of us had nothing left at the end. That’s why it was the end. And there was no way to turn back that’s what we believed would make sure we didn’t Turn back that’s how we got there

I can’t understand why no one gets that part of it. So now after a few long years and I’ll speak for myself and I’m sure many others are In the same place. But I’m now looking at being homeless again after all of this. After believing everyone else the church the lawyers the government and politicians. For a guy Broke down in pains and doing everything to speak up and tell others we’re going to be ok now. Do you know I’m almost 59. And there is not one government agency or state agencies in our country that will help us in any ways to get a place to live, and just even get a little piece of mind that no one come knocking on the door and calls you awful names and drags you to court as often as they can.

That will help and trust me most of the people i have asked for help do not answer my messages or some if they do are very rude and even be called a fraud by some Nonprofits, that we had one more little possibility that was to file a civil complaint for help from the diocese that has taken responsibility for our abuse as it looked to me. And then after a couple of years a bankruptcy out of nowhere and that last hope was taking away. So it’s not all about what people think and as sad as it is I don’t see any end of that any time soon. That’s where we are at now and they publicly call on more victims to come forward and of course they see what Is happened at around the country and think why come forward and tell my secret and not judged by Morons who could not live a day in our lives.

Why it Makes no sense to the still sick and suffering person because there still in so much pain they may never get a chance to say a word. So I now know better because my life was spared and even my daughter wants to see me again and even though I will be homeless soon I still think there’s some hope somewhere so even though I have pretty tough days and I do lose a bit of hope I just have to remember that I was a dead man waiting for the right day to die. And that I can never forget. Good day to all who had the chance to read a tiny bit of my story, and if you thought it may have been to harsh, that’s ok. Because I do have myself now and more importantly if one person got to read my story and talked themselves out of there suicidal thoughts and now decided to live and help another suffering person out of the same it’s sure worth it. I’m not at all impressed with the people who judge any longer. I no longer need the approval of others.